Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Men, please explain this

I’ve been on this planet for over 40 years now, and I like to think I have a good grasp on most things. Gravity, personal finances, the expiry date on dairy products, these things I’ve come to understand. The males of my species though, well, they’re still a mystery to me.

If you’ve spent any time wandering through this blog you’ll know that when it comes to dating, I have the roughly the same success rate as the average slot machine player; so I am already aware that when it comes to the unshaven sex, I’m far from an expert. This past week I had the opportunity to see a native, single male in his element, and instead of clarifying any questions I had, his actions served to confound and confuse me even further. I thought I’d share and who knows, maybe I’ll get an explanation.

I joined several friends at a local pub for fun, relaxation and plates of food blanketed in cheese.  There was laughter, there was toasting the coming weekend, and there was much exchanging of tales and news since some of us hadn’t seen each other in a while. And then, just when things were going along nicely, there was a train wreck. A fellow in the group decided in his wisdom (no, we cannot blame the beer, he only consumed one or two) that he would hit on the woman serving us. This is never a stylish move when there are ladies in the party, but hey, she was pretty, so I can see the initial lapse in judgment. When his flattery over her tattoo failed to spark the right reaction though, he persevered, because by some strange feat of logic it he felt that if he just kept pushing this was all going to work out for him. Right about the time he was relating the similarities between the young woman’s tattoo and her own appearance as his fingers touched the tattoo in question, I knew the train was going to derail. When the word’s “nice rack” got tossed into the equation you could almost here the squeal of train brakes and the shrieks of the passengers as the Testosterone Express jumped the tracks and slammed into a cow pasture in a blazing fireball of bad taste.

She handled it like a pro, laughed tersely and departed with our drink order, and I simply cannot fault her for spending the rest of the evening avoiding our table. If it had been me I’d of likely dumped his beer in his lap and risked a pink slip. As she left he grinned at the rest of us and proudly announced that he’d been “even worse” while he was visiting friends back home.  And this is where I lose the plot guys.  Does this work?  Are there really women out there who will radiate with pleasure at this sort of attention and proceed to involve themselves with men who act this way? He’s a very intelligent, charismatic, middle aged man with a lot going for him, but if this is how he’s meeting women, I’m at a loss.  What possesses a normally rational, mostly sane man to do this sort of thing? And why was he proud of it? The females in the group have since compared notes and not one of us have a clue what he was trying to accomplish, but we’re certain our waitress most definitely earned her tip, which we made sure was on the generous side.

Maybe if I understand this, I'll have a better luck in the dating game. Or it might make me consider a life of celibacy. It's so hard to know.