Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Shape wear has to be the Devil's invention

You know what's wrong with the above picture? She looks calm, poised and comfortable. I can only assume that she slid those outfits up over those long legs and past her flat stomach without any trouble at all. That's because she doesn't actually need to be using shape wear. Her shape is damned good already.

Those of us who actually need shape wear are curvy, sometimes lumpy and in my case have chronic muffin-top-itis. Let me tell you, wriggling into something designed to streamline my bumps and minimize my muffins is a nightmare from which my ego may never recover.

I have a snazzy cocktail party to go to tonight, at a swanky hotel, where there will hopefully be booze, appies and if I am very lucky, a future ex-boyfriend. Since the vast majority of my wardrobe is made up of jeans and blouses and pajamas, this invitation meant I needed to go find myself a new outfit to wear. I will skip over the details and say that I did find a dress that I love, and it only took two hours. *rolls eyes*  Did I mention I am not a fan of shopping? Ugh.

Now, dresses are lovely, but they are not kind, and I wound up accepting the reality that I would need to pick up something to go under the dress and hold in all...well... everything. And so began the longest hour of my life. From "easy up" briefs (ha!)  to full top to bottom control (where the hell did my breasts go?)  I tried on a variety of styles, shapes and sizes. I have had cardio work outs that didn't make my pulse rate climb so high, and somewhere in the fray I got bruised/cut across one arm by a vicious tag. Once I stopped bleeding, I continued bravely on, and finally found one that would work. If I put it on every day, I could have a new morning work out and maybe lose a few of the lumps as I burned off a tonne of calories, but it does the job nicely.

The next morning I was stiff, aching and bruised from my own personal battle of the bulge, but tonight I will look damned good, so I guess that's a win, and I plan on covering up the bruise on my arm so I don't have to confess to anyone just how I got it. There really are some things that a girl should leave as a mystery.