Monday, June 2, 2014

The sun, it burns!

Today was the day. The sun was shining, the wind was warm, and I decided to wear a skirt to work instead of jeans. (Yes, I work in a casual office, huzzah for comfy clothes at work and not a high heel in sight)

Now, I am not really a skirt person. What I am is a pudgy short-ass, which means most skirts either make me look like an over-stuffed sausage crammed into a napkin ring, or they're made for people who have normal sized legs, which means most long summer skirts look like they have a bridal train if I put them on. Neither look is considered fashionable. (go figure) I did manage to find a few skirts that fit me though, and I was looking forward to wearing them once the weather got hot. The office doesn't have air conditioning, so come summer it's nice to have options that don't involve sweating to death.

This morning, I put on the skirt, checked myself in the mirror, and was immediately reminded  of the other reason I don't wear skirts. I have a skin tone best described as  "anemic vampire." My chubby little legs are so pale they reflect sunlight, blinding the unwary with all their pasty glory. I wore it anyway, and while I am cool and comfy despite the warmth of the day, every time I move there's a flash of white that leaves me with a retinal echo.

Many would tell me that the cure to that is just to "get some sun." Simple enough, only I believe that my ancestors are the source of the myth that vampires and other pasty skinned creatures go "poof" when exposed to daylight. I don't tan, I go from blinding white to alarming pink to "oh my god, we have to get you to a burn unit," in twenty minutes or less.

With sunscreen on.

I don't merely apply sunscreen either. I slather. Any spot I miss will be crispy by the end of the day, so it's rather important for me to cover everything. Ears. eyelids, toes. Sunburned eyes suck. Trust me on that one.

That's about right...

The last time I went shopping with my best friend, she was the one tossing 60 block sunscreen in MY basket. "I worry about your poor skin," she said.  Now that's a good friend. Either that, or she never wants to witness a repeat of the great skin sizzle of 2006.