Monday, July 7, 2014

Earthquakes, zombies and apocalypse preparedness.

This weekend I watched far too much of the Walking Dead marathon, and as a result I spent some time pondering just what might happen to me should the dead rise, aliens invade, or that massive earthquake they keep warning us is "long overdue for the area" actually makes an appearance.

Now, in order for these musings to work, I have to assume that I survived the first wave of whatever happened. After all, if I'm "patient zero" in the next pandemic, it really won't matter how many bottles of water I have stashed in the pantry, I'm not going to need them.

All my planning will be for nothing if I'm on the wrong side of that door.

Now, earthquakes are relatively simple to prepare for. Food, water, cash, first aid kit, and a means to stay warm and hopefully dry for a few days until help comes. Living in a place nicknamed the "ring of fire", I know the drill. Short of the entire island sinking into the Pacific Ocean, I should be fine. 

Where it gets tricky is when it isn't just a local problem. Zombies, plagues, asteroids, and aliens are all global issues. Honestly, I'm pretty sure I'm in trouble if any of those come to pass. If Hollywood has taught me anything, it's that only the pretty people survive for long. It doesn't matter how smart you are, or how well you wield a shotgun, if you're a short, out of shape being with the bodily consistency of a marshmallow, you are starting with a serious handicap. 

There are loopholes however. I've figured out that I can live longer if I manage to get adopted as a group's comic sidekick. The role of "moral compass" allows for short term survival, but invariably they die badly, and the goal here is to avoid dying for as long as possible. The old adage, "I don't have to outrun the (insert your choice of deadly creatures here) I just have to outrun you," is going to be a problem though, because in all honesty I would be hard pressed to outrun anything faster than a zombie sloth.

Plagues are a different problem, but I figure that living on an island, I have a reasonable chance of making it to one of the smaller islands that dot the coastline around here before the bug actually makes it this far. Of course, the downside to that is once all civilization grinds to a halt, I'm going to have a hell of a time getting back to the mainland...ever. Oh, and did I mention I don't like seafood? At least that might help me lose a few pounds. 

It's possible I've given this whole thing far too much thought. 

Then again, it doesn't hurt to be prepared. Does anyone know how to start a fire using nothing but a couple of rocks? I should probably learn how to do that...just in case.